Warning to the 2 people that read my blog: Possible spoilers ahead.
Today I’m going to discuss:
Thanks, Ermahgerd Girl. I should mention here that while I was away on my blog break, I became fluent in Ermahgerd. So far it has proven to be far more useful than the 10+ of French and German that I took in school.
When I was pregnant, I was informed by more than one person that I would never be able to read for pleasure again until Betty is in college. Those people were wrong and I have in fact been able to read 3 whole books this year.
My biggest regret is that I did not spend whatever free reading time I had on something worthwhile, but rather was sucked into the abysmally written – yet somehow still adored by millions – train wreck that is the 50 Shades series.
Here’s a brief synopsis. I find that there are two kinds of people out there…people who have read the book and people who haven’t, but are vehemently opposed to doing so. If you don’t fall into either one of these categories and actually WANT to read 50 Shades, stop reading this post now. I’m about to spoil the magic. *jazzhands*
These books follow our protagonist, an awkward, clumsy (she fell down once, you guys…OMG SO CLUMSY), self-deprecating, pale, raven haired young woman named Bella Swan Anastasia Steele, who is easily the most infuriating character in any story since the invention of the written word. One fateful day, she ends up in the office of one Christian Grey, the hottest, most beautiful, sexiest, best looking, handsomest, richest CEO in the history of planet Earth. Did I mention he was hot, beautiful, sexy, good looking, handsome and rich? Because he was only described this way ONE BILLION TIMES throughout the course of the series. They could have said it one billion more times and I still would have only thought of him as a giant creepster.
Creepy Christian takes a shine to Anastasia and lets her in on the first and least disturbing of his many dark secrets…he’s into whips and chains and he wants her to be his submissive. Unfortunately for him, 21 year old Anastasia has barely been kissed, much less given away her V-card. Needless to say, she takes her time carefully weighing the pros and cons of sleeping with this weirdo. Like the better part of a day at least. And so begins their twisted relationship where he continually stalks her, threatens her, and tries to control her (I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!), and she blathers on about how gorgeous and sexy he is, uses the phrase “oh my” to describe absolutely everything, and has enough conversations with the total square that is her “subconscious” and the raging tramp that is her “inner goddess” that I think she qualifies for a multiple personality disorder diagnosis.
Of course they do the deed roughly (pun intended) 3,000 times, none of these times taking up more than 2 pages, which I think speaks volumes for Christian Grey’s prowess in the sack. Then some other stuff happens like a wedding, a kidnapping, and the part where Christian tells Anastasia wants to dominate women who look like his crack whore mother and she doesn’t run screaming out into the street like any sane person would. Also something completely un-sexy involving a tampon that I won’t discuss and wish I could scrub from my memory. I don’t know. By the time I was about halfway through the first book, I really couldn’t be bothered to care about any of these dysfunctional idiots.
And yet, for some odd reason I couldn’t stop reading it. I bought the first book because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I loathed everything about it and still went on to purchase the second book, which I dare say is even worse than the first one. Like I don’t remember there being a plot at all. The third one is marginally better only because there is some non-sex related action in it, but it certainly wasn’t worth the hours or the $9.99 I spent on the Kindle download.
As a whole, The 50 Shades series is literally the biggest load of mindless crap I’ve ever wasted my money on. And I’ve spent money on A LOT of mindless crap. Suddenly that time I spent $600 on a random piece of artwork after drinking too many mimosas at Sunday brunch doesn’t seem as unreasonable as it once did. At least the artwork was awesome and I could use being drunk as an excuse. I also returned the artwork the following day and got my money back, whereas I’m stuck with this garbage on my Kindle forever.
So imagine my surprise when this morning I learned that the author of this series, EL James, has been nominated by Time Magazine for their coveted Person of the Year Award. Between this and the demise of Twinkies, maybe the Mayans had it right all along.
Have you read the 50 Shades series? What did you think of it?
Yes I read and hated the first two books (didn’t bother with the third). They were awful and it still makes me angry when I hear women talk about how they would love their own Christian Grey…really? You want a man who stalks, controls, manipulates and basically abuses you? Oh but he’s hot and rich so yeah sign me up. Idiots.
I feel like everyone’s response has been “It was terrible but I couldn’t stop reading.” Maybe EL James is some kind of sorcerer?
You’re right. Witchcraft is the only logical answer.
UGH. REALLY??? Person of the Year? GROSS. Witchcraft – it must be witchcraft.
I read somewhere that someone in the book says “laters, baby”. After I heard that, I made the decision to never read it.
I read it, hated it, but continued reading for God knows what reason. I am not a prude, but book is just AWFUL!
Hooray! So, so glad to see you are back to blogging again!
And I’ve never read 50 Shades, and still don’t plan to. I’m pretty sure I’ve yet to meet one single person who actually enjoyed it!
So glad you’re back! This post is AWESOME! I haven’t read the 50 Shades series and actually refuse to, but I’ve read enough excerpts online to have very strong opinions against it. Check out this post I wrote over the summer. Oh, and if If EL James wins Person of the Year, I will never read Time Magazine again. http://www.highheelsflipflops.com/2012/05/50-shades-of-sickening.html
I’ve read the first two. I’m going to read the third one eventually even though I don’t really want to. They were entertaining on some level. I laughed a lot. There’s only so many ways to describe certain things. She definitely overused words. And no virgin is that good in the sack. LOL
Will I see the movie when it comes out? Absolutely. Haha!
I had heard about a movie, but thought it was a joke until this morning when I read the bit about EL James on the Time website. I’m not so interested in seeing it, but I am interested in who they will cast!
ha, I agree 100%! My friend was so obsessed with them, so I read the first book at her request. I wasted my money then, and because I was curious about how the rest of the series went, I opted to get them from the library. I couldn’t even get through the entire 2nd & 3rd books. I just skimmed them. They are TERRIBLE!! And it made me wonder just a little bit about my friend and her sex life. Ewww!
Oh, and when she kept saying, he touched me “there” I would collapse into giggles. Oh oh oh, and when she was surprised that sex = pregnancy? SERIOUSLY?! Ughhhhhhh.
you know i LOVED the nonsense known as 50 shades of grey. i found it to be awfully awesome!
Everyone I work with is raving about these books but personally I don’t see what all the hoopla is about. I have no interest at all in reading them, partly because I’m somewhat of a prude and partly because of all of the reviews which, like yours, mention how terribly written the books are
but mostly because I don’t want to give my husband the impression that I have any interest in sex because then he’ll hound me for it more than he already does.This is why I love you.
I haven’t read this series, and I have had no desire to do so either. Thank you for taking a bullet for me, and making me feel better about my choice. Next time I’m in town I’ll buy you $9.99 worth of drinks to make up for the money you wasted, deal?
Oh, Salt! How I’ve missed thee! I fall into the 2nd category, partially because I’m a prude. I despised the Twilight Series. Why would I want to read a knock-off porno version by a woman who got kicked off the fan fiction board for writing bad porn? Anyway, loved your review…bad tampon scene? If I wans’t already uninterested, that cinched it for me. ;0)
PS Your posts need the “like” button!
I have 0 interest in reading this series. Maybe it’s just because of the content, but it seems utterly unappealing to me. :/
I was the Ermahgerd Girl for Halloween this year.
Also, no desire to read that book. I skimmed a few pages on my best friend’s Nook and was all 0_o the entire time. And I am NOT a prude. Anything that started off as Twilight fanfic can GTFO forever in my opinion. I’m not a fan of Twilight OR fanfic, and also not a fan of men beating and degrading women for sexual pleasure. NO THANKS.
I have not read the series and don’t intend to. The last time I caved and read books that everyone raved about I got sucked into Twilight. I still haven’t forgiven people for that.
I read the first one, after my mom was kind enough to buy all three on her Kindle and give me her password so I could download them as well. It took me over a MONTH to read the first one. I couldn’t get past the horrible writing and the characters. Also, Christian reminded me of an obsessive, controlling, manipulative ex-boyfriend of mine. I really don’t understand how anyone can think that Christian’s behavior is okay. UGH. I started reading the second one but couldn’t get past the first chapter.
If you want actual good, well-written, and exciting romance in a book, read Outlander by Diana Gabaldon. It’s a million, billion, kajillion times better. It requires a dictionary and a thesaurus at times, but I love it.