Warning to the 2 people that read my blog: Possible spoilers ahead.
Today I’m going to discuss:
Thanks, Ermahgerd Girl. I should mention here that while I was away on my blog break, I became fluent in Ermahgerd. So far it has proven to be far more useful than the 10+ of French and German that I took in school.
When I was pregnant, I was informed by more than one person that I would never be able to read for pleasure again until Betty is in college. Those people were wrong and I have in fact been able to read 3 whole books this year.
My biggest regret is that I did not spend whatever free reading time I had on something worthwhile, but rather was sucked into the abysmally written – yet somehow still adored by millions – train wreck that is the 50 Shades series.
Here’s a brief synopsis. I find that there are two kinds of people out there…people who have read the book and people who haven’t, but are vehemently opposed to doing so. If you don’t fall into either one of these categories and actually WANT to read 50 Shades, stop reading this post now. I’m about to spoil the magic. *jazzhands*
These books follow our protagonist, an awkward, clumsy (she fell down once, you guys…OMG SO CLUMSY), self-deprecating, pale, raven haired young woman named
Bella Swan Anastasia Steele, who is easily the most infuriating character in any story since the invention of the written word. One fateful day, she ends up in the office of one Christian Grey, the hottest, most beautiful, sexiest, best looking, handsomest, richest CEO in the history of planet Earth. Did I mention he was hot, beautiful, sexy, good looking, handsome and rich? Because he was only described this way ONE BILLION TIMES throughout the course of the series. They could have said it one billion more times and I still would have only thought of him as a giant creepster.
Creepy Christian takes a shine to Anastasia and lets her in on the first and least disturbing of his many dark secrets…he’s into whips and chains and he wants her to be his submissive. Unfortunately for him, 21 year old Anastasia has barely been kissed, much less given away her V-card. Needless to say, she takes her time carefully weighing the pros and cons of sleeping with this weirdo. Like the better part of a day at least. And so begins their twisted relationship where he continually stalks her, threatens her, and tries to control her (I’m getting all hot and bothered just thinking about it!), and she blathers on about how gorgeous and sexy he is, uses the phrase “oh my” to describe absolutely everything, and has enough conversations with the total square that is her “subconscious” and the raging tramp that is her “inner goddess” that I think she qualifies for a multiple personality disorder diagnosis.
Of course they do the deed roughly (pun intended) 3,000 times, none of these times taking up more than 2 pages, which I think speaks volumes for Christian Grey’s prowess in the sack. Then some other stuff happens like a wedding, a kidnapping, and the part where Christian tells Anastasia wants to dominate women who look like his crack whore mother and she doesn’t run screaming out into the street like any sane person would. Also something completely un-sexy involving a tampon that I won’t discuss and wish I could scrub from my memory. I don’t know. By the time I was about halfway through the first book, I really couldn’t be bothered to care about any of these dysfunctional idiots.
And yet, for some odd reason I couldn’t stop reading it. I bought the first book because I wanted to see what all the hype was about. I loathed everything about it and still went on to purchase the second book, which I dare say is even worse than the first one. Like I don’t remember there being a plot at all. The third one is marginally better only because there is some non-sex related action in it, but it certainly wasn’t worth the hours or the $9.99 I spent on the Kindle download.
As a whole, The 50 Shades series is literally the biggest load of mindless crap I’ve ever wasted my money on. And I’ve spent money on A LOT of mindless crap. Suddenly that time I spent $600 on a random piece of artwork after drinking too many mimosas at Sunday brunch doesn’t seem as unreasonable as it once did. At least the artwork was awesome and I could use being drunk as an excuse. I also returned the artwork the following day and got my money back, whereas I’m stuck with this garbage on my Kindle forever.
So imagine my surprise when this morning I learned that the author of this series, EL James, has been nominated by Time Magazine for their coveted Person of the Year Award. Between this and the demise of Twinkies, maybe the Mayans had it right all along.
Have you read the 50 Shades series? What did you think of it?